Shattering the Female Leadership Fairy Tale

Many of us grew up watching countless campaigns that told us to express our own opinions, to be true to ourselves, and to be outspoken. We subsequently developed an idyllic image of what the female leadership experience looks like. As little girls, we thought about how we could take part in making this a better and more just world. We thought about how much good we could do, and how we would feel doing good work. However, once we got to those roles of leadership, our fairy tale images of leadership were challenged by a reality check. Nothing really prepared us for overcoming the pushback we get from expressing our opinions and agreeing to disagree with others. 

This is Part 1 of an ongoing series on female leadership that aims to empower cisgender women in ascending or in existing leadership roles. We will also provide a series of strategies and tools to help overcome some of the challenges that female leaders in the third sector face. Thereby, allowing you to focus your time on advancing the social mission you care most about, instead of being dragged down by other people’s issues. 

Expressing Your True Opinion Can Lead to Conflict, But You Can Handle It

Slogans like, “And though she be but little, she is fierce”, “girl power”, or “well-behaved women seldom make history” doesn’t provide the entire picture of the female leadership experience. In fact, in real life, not everyone is going to be supportive of your empowerment when it is not convenient for them. There are a lot of people who are going to praise your strong opinions only if they affirm their own beliefs, or if you fit into their stereotype of who a strong female leader should be. If you actually challenge monopolies of thought, particularly in circles of people who share many of your values, they do not like it. At times, some will engage in high-school-style exclusionary tactics when you challenge the status quo. There is even a small minority that will engage in unethical and unbecoming behavior. For example, if you present a different perspective, change the agenda priorities, refuse to be silenced, or demonstrate more expertise in a field than others, you will find that a select few will target you with the specific goal of putting you in your place. They will try to sabotage you, they will lie about you, or play very weird and confusing power games. This is particularly hurtful when these senseless power struggles are initiated by individuals who you care about or respect. It is also disorienting when people who claim to embrace diversity, and your political ideologies, and seem to share your values behave in this manner. 

These dynamics can occur both inside an organization you are playing a female lead role and in external groups. It can come from your direct reports, those above you on the chain of command, or individuals in workgroups who feel threatened by your confidence and competence. For example, there will be employees who will praise you as a genius and excellent leader when you make decisions that are aligned with their perceptions of how an issue should be resolved. Others, upon making a decision they don’t agree with will declare you to be morally corrupt or an incompetent leader who is not in touch with the real needs of the organization. There will be times in committees you serve on when people will confront you to tell you that you should let them take the leadership role and accept them as your mentors despite your extensive expertise. Others will call into question every idea you have only to repurpose them as their own by the end of the meeting. There will be a lot of males who will speak over you or cut you short in the middle of a sentence. Sadly, a lot of women who are supposed to be part of your support network will also try to silence you in the same way. When these micro or full-blown -aggressions are initiated by another woman, it is always surprising and excruciatingly disappointing. 

As a female leader, particularly if you come from a minority group, or if you don’t fit into the stereotype of who should be in charge, you will be challenged as you ascend up the ranks. Then, when you reach those top positions, you will encounter all sorts of challenges to your person, decision-making, and abilities. Incidentally, as this Forbes article indicates, “The Microaggressions That Are Still Prevalent in the Workplace”, these experiences are widespread across many industries and can result in a talent drain that can push many talented female leaders to consider leaving their industries.

However, female leaders should continue showing up and pushing forward with their agendas through these situations. Although these microaggressions are unfair and have harmful effects on many women who are on the receiving end of this treatment, these actions should be treated as unnecessary distractions.

Under these circumstances, it is normal to ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me?” After all, you may think, “I am a good person, and I am trying to make the best of a difficult situation.” In situations where you are advocating for someone, and they don’t realize it because they don’t have access to all of the same information you do, you will probably say to yourself, “I am trying to be helpful and no one seems to appreciate that I am looking out for them. No one understands that I am doing the right thing.” 

It is okay to feel that these circumstances are unfair because they are. You should not, however, internalize the petty actions of the insecure or the misguided as a reflection of you, as a character flaw, or as a sign that there is a deficiency in your abilities. Don’t waste your time dwelling on how hurtful these actions are. Worse, don’t allow yourself to question your value and worth. Instead, become strategic about how you are going to navigate the situation ethically, in keeping with your values, and re-direct the situation into a more positive or manageable one. No one has the right to quiet your voice, particularly if your silence means that an important cause could be endangered. 

Female Leadership Mantras to Remember When You Must Lead in Personally Challenging Circumstances

The mission you are trying to advance is too important to be sabotaged by other people’s agendas and strange power struggles. Don’t waste your time trying to figure out why they are doing what they are doing. You will become derailed from your personal mission and responsibilities on an issue that only the perpetrator knows the root cause of and can fix. People who engage in unethical and destructive behavior, because they don’t like your strength, opinions, or the fact that you are not doing what they want, are time and emotional vampires. Instead, in the face of these challenges, always remember the following mantras as you try to work with these individuals and through the unnecessary obstacles they pose. 

1. Do not allow yourself to get distracted by gossip, personal drama, or petty behavior. 

Instead, solve issues by focusing on big-picture items and on the process needed to solve those issues. If someone is attacking you personally, redirect them to the task at hand, the meeting agenda, and the solutions that must come out of the meeting or process. Do not entertain a personality struggle. It is a waste of your time that will make you look petty and unprofessional, even if the other person is at fault or trying to provoke you. 

2. Let your values drive your work instead of your pride. 

Your primary motivator for advocating for a good cause or engaging in charitable work should be the betterment of society. This work should be undertaken not because you will be praised, looked upon as a very important person, or get public recognition for your actions. Although those things are nice, they should not be what drives you. If it is, your vanity may lead you towards making unethical decisions down the road that are out of step with public service. Thus, if you do not get credit for your efforts or they go unnoticed, it is okay. Your duty is to serve. True service requires humility, charitable acts that are done outside of the spotlight, and require us to give more than we think we can. This, of course, does not mean we should put up with abusive behavior, but we should be doing the right thing when no one is looking, even if others are not. 

3. Only engage in solutions-focused discussions that empower the participants and help you map out a path for solutions. 

Good leadership requires that we vet ideas and weigh their pros and cons. We should solicit diverse points of view and invite people to examine solutions who may not agree with our ideas. In a situation where everyone is operating in good faith, this is a very healthy exercise that improves the quality of your planning and the outcomes. However, there are situations when people with bad intentions will use this platform to gain power and legitimacy solely by criticizing and destroying the ideas of others, particularly female leaders. These individuals often mask their destructive intentions under the guise of playing the “devil’s advocate” or engaging in scenario planning. This pretext is what makes it so difficult to call out this insidious behavior.

These individuals demand evidence that something will work or point out everything that could potentially go wrong but never offers a tangible solution to overcome the problems they identify. In these situations, you as the leader should remind the participants in the meeting of the objective of your solution, acknowledge the problem that is identified, and redirect the conversation to a solution to the obstacle that has been identified.

Again, just to reiterate, gathering different points of view to engage in better problem-solving is a healthy process. This does not mean, though, that you should let saboteurs hijack the process to advance their personal agendas. 

4. Do not feel the need to apologize for your ideas and keep showing up with quality work. 

People who intentionally try to sabotage you want to make you feel bad about your decisions and yourself. They often operate in the shadows and deny their actions when you confront them, which makes it difficult to gather concrete evidence to hold them accountable. They also create uncomfortable situations that have the potential of making you look bad or call into question the quality of your work. Don’t let these microaggressions shake your confidence. Know that there are countless women who have experienced the same thing and it is not personal. Although, it feels very personal.

You should always stand with your head high, comport yourself with the highest ethical values, and put your best foot forward. There is no stronger counterbalance to accusations of being difficult, not understanding the mission, or being incompetent than consistently showing up with quality work and strong ideas that you are proud to articulate. This is a better alternative to reducing yourself to emotional reactions or vengeful acts that humiliate or sabotage others.

5. Advocate for the creation of an organizational culture that prevents and corrects microaggressions through its systems. 

Developing self-defense strategies in the face of these microaggressions is an essential skill set that many female leaders must develop. However, this is a short-term solution that places the onus on women to address the unacceptable and mean-spirited behavior of others. An organization’s human resources policies, procedures, and training should incorporate systems that support female leadership. These systems should also provide remedies to ensure that everyone in the organization knows what to do when they encounter this type of behavior. In addition to supporting female employees, developing anti-oppression and culturally competent systems is a way of creating an inclusive environment that fosters respect, trust, and acceptance for everyone in the organization. In short, everybody wins because employees at all levels of the chain of command can thrive.

Next Steps

If you are experiencing a similar situation, know that you are not alone. Female leadership is very challenging. There is a way to the other side, though, and you can successfully overcome this. I can attest to this personally and so can many of my clients who are in female leadership roles. Don’t let these situations make you bitter or become disheartened with the field. You are in a leadership role for a reason. Your voice, your talents, and your abilities are needed more than ever. Remember that making changes and challenging the status quo has always resulted in personal challenges. Keep showing up, regrouping, and continue to be driven by your conscience instead of submitting to the limitations others want to place on you. 

For those of you who have successfully navigated these situations prompted by microaggressions, jealousy, or senseless hostility, please share two strategies or mantras below that you have used to keep you focused on the bigger picture to overcome those situations ethically. 

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